Among other things to grace me in this thing called life, today's my birthday...my fortieth.
To say the least, I have mixed emotions about it.
The primary reason for my mixed emotions is a reason anyone who hits forty can relate to. I'm forced to say to myself, "My God, I'm in the middle of my damned life!" That alone could be good or bad. Good if I honestly got a lot accomplished, if I'd met the goals I set for myself before this time. But it's bad in my case because I haven't met most of my self-assigned goals. I know a lot of folks would look at themselves in this stage of their lives and say the same thing. I've seen it, I've read about it here and there, fiction and nonfiction, the unmistakable aura of not feeling fulfilled.
Now I'm feeling it.
At this stage of my life, I'm not where I want to be. Because of my own failings? Yes and no, because in a crazy world like this, things can happen...my path can criss-cross with the paths of others who might decide how easy or hard things will be for me. You know what I mean. I must say without a doubt, I feel like I'm ten years behind on the goals I set for myself.
Am I being too self-indulgent in being critical of my life, what I have and more importantly what I desire to gain? Am I a failure at this 'halfway point' not living the life I truly want to live? Is my own personal cause, the life of Charles Spencer, hopeless?
Not wanting to be a failure, wanting the things I want so much before I reach the end of my life, I can only answer those questions with the following:
Yeah, I'm not just another year older, I'm damned forty years old. For me, it's not exactly a cause for celebration...or maybe it is if I don't want to be defeatist. And maybe I haven't gotten to where I want to be, I haven't accomplished what I want dearly to accomplish, but I've still got at least another forty good years in me. (If I'm lucky!)
Life doesn't end at forty, and I've still got a lot to do. :)